Stay Flexible

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Life changes every day, and that’s why flexibility is so important in family life. Being willing to adjust to the circumstances around you is a valuable skill. Parents often come to me seeking some reassurance that they’re making the right choices and setting the right example for their kids. I get asked: “So, if I just do _____ consistently, then we’ll be good?” Theoretically, most of the ideas people ask about sound good and valuable, but I always remind them that there is no one-size-fits-all approach. There are very few parenting choices where you can decide how to handle things once and then forget about it. 

That’s because things are constantly changing. Your kids are continuing to grow and learn. Sometimes that means they’re starting to think more in line with how you’d like them to, but other times it means they’re branching out from what you feel is right. Your life circumstances and your kids’ life circumstances are continuing to change, whether that is because of new activities, friendships, or responsibilities. And this one is easy to forget; you’re changing. As time goes on, certain things will become more important to you than they used to be while other things will become less important to you. 

I’m going to list some of the bigger transitions that you and your children will go through in your family life when you have kids: birth, teething, sleeping through the night, first words, first steps, walking, going to school, having a crush, driving, getting a job, graduating, moving out, being independent, and fully making their own choices. 

If you read through that list while thinking back or thinking ahead and imagining your own experiences, I’m sure you don’t need me to convince you that flexibility is important. It’s obvious that the approach you need to have with your kids as they start walking isn’t the same as the approach for when they get their first job. Each change along the way will impact the way that you will want to handle things with your kids. And, to make matters even more complicated, you’ll probably need to handle similar situations in different ways depending on the individual child involved. Nobody ever said parenting was easy! 

I want to end this article with some specific attention on a particular stage of parenting. When you reach the stage of having adult children, it often takes some extra flexibility. Just like you did when you moved out of your parents’ house, your kids are going through a process of establishing independence and figuring out what their life rhythms look like when they are the ones who make the decisions about what’s important and what is further down the priority list. During this process, it’s likely that they will be spending time with friends and significant others when you wish that they would spend some time with you. That’s a normal experience, and it’s typical for parents to feel a little sad about it. But do your best to remember what it felt like to move out on your own when you were younger. It may help you to relate to your adult children. Of course, there will be plenty of other opportunities to be flexible at this stage because you’re almost guaranteed to have clashing opinions with your adult child. But through it all, do your best to remain flexible and prioritize the relationship above all else, especially over being right or getting your own way.